Soy Sauce Carnival

Worst. Blogger. Ever.

2009-10-01T03:44:00.000-07:00

I have attempted many times over the last year to ressurect this wee site.

I write the haikus, that's no problem. It's the making of the pictures, the scanning, saving, colouring, resizing, positioning, uploading, writing HTML...I mean it's not like that's all HARD, it's just not FUN, and I am lazy at heart.

Which is why I write haikus, the shortest poems ever, and not Odes to Josephine and Other Fine Ladies of Moral Repute (fyi any people out there who write odes - that is an ode that is just begging to be written).

So, lets look at the facts. I am lazy, and want to post short things. I guess you can see where this is going - I am moving to Twitter for some text-only action.

If you would like to follow me that would be nice, if you don't, then that is fine too and I am sure we can still remain friends.

http://twitter.com/katehaikus

Working Girl - a haiku

2008-01-29T23:38:00.000-08:00

Working Girl - a haiku.
I went through my pad
I cut out all my doodles
I was just that bored

Team Meeting - a haiku

2008-01-23T16:35:00.000-08:00

This is a little something I like to call "haiku'ing at work".

Team Meeting - a haiku.
Urgent note to self:
Keep your bottom in your chair.
Don't flee the building

Destruction - a haiku

2007-12-11T11:51:00.000-08:00

Destruction - a haiku. I can't help but think, 'who's gonna clean that mess up?', when I watch Fight Club

Mistletoe and Holly - a haiku

2007-12-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

It's not mid-November anymore, it was when I wrote this, lets just all pretend!

Mistletoe and Holly - a haiku. It's Mid-November. My Christmas music is on. Tinsel in my hair.

Soy Sauce Français - a haiku

2007-11-11T00:37:00.000-08:00

Soy Sauce Francais - a haiku. I am learning French. Imagine this time next year. Bilingual haikus!

Technical Issues

2007-10-30T02:16:00.001-07:00

Oh Internet, why hast thou forsaken me?

Pictures to return soon, I hope.

Edit: Now that pictures have returned, what is the e-tiquette (see what I did there?). Do I delete the post? Bung this edit on the end? Hmm.

Spring Clean - a haiku

2007-10-29T20:41:00.001-07:00

True story, folks.

Spring Clean - a haiku. What is this item? It is ugly and broken. Why do I own it?

Rough Cuisine - a haiku

2007-10-29T16:20:00.000-07:00

The first picture-less haiku, a special treat to show you how this website got its name, how it was monikered-up-right-nice.

ROUGH CUISINE
a haiku
Slimy pasta mess
Swimming in a pool of glop
Soy sauce carnival

Blog Post #9

2007-10-28T16:02:00.000-07:00

Ooh la la, right guys?

We have gone from a poorly-coded-webpage to a still-poorly-coded-but-now-it-has-cool-stuff-webpage.

Cool stuff like comments (which you can leave even if you don't have a blogger account), email-this-page option (delicious promotion) and tags (so you can just look at the haikus involving celebrities if you want).

Progress is swift, try to keep up.

...Maybe not swift, as it has been a month since I updated the site. Perhaps just swift-like, swift-y, swift-onic.

I am still working on some things, but for now, you will find all of the old haikus and blogs in this one handy location.

Bad Parent - a haiku

2007-10-01T15:49:00.000-07:00

Bad Parent - a haiku. SSC neglect. I should never have children. Forgetting ain't cool

One Hand Clapping - a haiku

2007-09-09T15:47:00.000-07:00

One Hand Clapping - a haiku. Website hiatus. Tree falling in the forest. You know what I mean?

Questioning One's Orientation - a haiku

2007-09-03T15:46:00.000-07:00

Questioning One's Orientation - a haiku. I read yesterday. Eva Mendes owns 'Glitter'. And she likes to swear.

Watching 'Unfaithful' - a haiku

2007-08-28T15:45:00.000-07:00

Watching 'Unfaithful' - a haiku. This movie's moral. Probably "don't go cheating". Not "French guys are hot".

Relaxin' - a haiku

2007-08-27T15:44:00.000-07:00

Relaxin' - a haiku. Fantasy du jour. It involves a comfy couch. Glass of ginger beer.

Stinkymart - a haiku

2007-08-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

Stinkymart - a haiku. To the manager. Your store smells really yucky. I'm going to leave.

Celebs Without Makeup - a haiku

2007-08-23T15:43:00.000-07:00

Celebs Without Makeup - a haiku. Dear Gossip Tabloid. Stop saying 'romp' and 'love rat'. Keep the bad puns though

Hottie Bribery - a haiku

2007-08-22T15:42:00.000-07:00

Hottie Bribery - a haiku. Dear Gary Oldman. If you come round to my house, I will bake a pie

c/o American Idol - a haiku

2007-08-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

c/o American Idol - a haiku. Dear Kelly Clarkson, You are utterly awesome, No complaints from me

I HEART MYSPACE - a haiku

2007-08-20T15:40:00.000-07:00

I HEART MYSPACE - a haiku. To the teenage girls: If I am being honest, your fashion scares me

Losing It - a haiku

2007-08-17T15:39:00.000-07:00

Losing It - a haiku. Bertrand has a hat, plus a statue on his back. Well dressed grizzly bear

What's For Dinner? - a haiku

2007-08-16T15:38:00.000-07:00

What's for Dinner - a haiku. I vote we change it, to the solitary 'cous'. Get Webster on it

Listen Up, CSI Folk - a haiku

2007-08-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

Listen Up, CSI Folk - a haiku. When balloons get old, they shrivel when you touch them. Hold your fingerprints.

"Ew, Whose is That?" - a haiku

2007-08-14T15:36:00.000-07:00

Ew, Whose is That? - a haiku. My old squishy pear, sitting in the fridge alone, led to mockery

No, Seriously - a haiku

2007-08-13T15:36:00.000-07:00

No, Seriously - a haiku. Sam said this morning, "our wall is growing mushrooms". Time to fix the leak

All Before 9 a.m. - a haiku

2007-08-10T15:34:00.000-07:00

All Before 9 a.m. - a haiku. The lift is broken. I work on the seventh floor. I must just go home.

Truly Outrageous - a haiku

2007-08-09T15:33:00.000-07:00

Truly Outrageous - a haiku. My fashion icon, is Roxy from The Misfits. (Their songs are better)

Feeling Floaty - a haiku

2007-08-08T15:33:00.000-07:00

Feeling Floaty - a haiku. I don't want to work. I want to dance in the rain. Bin my business clothes.

Necrophilia Included - a haiku

2007-08-06T15:31:00.000-07:00

Necrophilia Included - a haiku. Emily and I made a list of fetishes to scare the beige folk

Region 4 Please - a haiku

2007-08-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

Region 4 Please - a haiku. Life will be complete, when 'Blossom' is at Borders. DVD box set

'Tomkat' is Even Worse - a haiku

2007-08-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

'Tomkat' is even worse - a haiku. I hate hybrid names. 'Brangelina' and whatnot. It is just lazy.

Sharkly Tuned Vision - a haiku

2007-08-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

Sharkly Tuned Vision - a haiku. My widely set eyes earned me the charming nickname 'Hammerhead Katie'

Doubt It's Mindy - a haiku

2007-07-31T15:28:00.000-07:00

Doubt It's Mindy - a haiku. Her nickname is 'Min', keen to know what it's short for. Minotaur or Minge?

Blooming Great Proposal - a haiku

2007-07-30T15:27:00.000-07:00

Blooming Great Proposal - a haiku. Dearest James Spader, let's get married in Vegas. I'll buy you daisies.

Bed-Head - a haiku

2007-07-27T15:27:00.000-07:00

Bed-Head - a haiku. It wants to go left. I will shrug and say OK. I'm done arguing.

Too Old for This - a haiku

2007-07-26T15:26:00.000-07:00

Too Old for This - a haiku. Album on repeat. iTunes play count is shameful. Rhymes with 'Sandy Schmoor'

Zig-A-Zig-Ah - a haiku

2007-07-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

Zig-a-Zig-Ah - a haiku. Nineties pop music. So bad yet so very good. Friendship never ends.

Ill-Fitting - a haiku

2007-07-24T15:24:00.000-07:00

Ill-Fitting - a haiku. People say 'cowl neck'. I like 'my neck vomited'. Far more visual

Swish Swish - a haiku

2007-07-23T15:24:00.000-07:00

Swish Swish - a haiku. I miss my raincoat. Big white dots on shiny black. Tween fashionista.

Nice to Meet You? - a haiku

2007-07-22T15:23:00.000-07:00

Nice to Meet You - a haiku. Loosen up your grip. Why are you punishing me? Your hand is a vice

Walking Home from Work - a haiku

2007-07-19T15:22:00.000-07:00

Walking Home from Work - a haiku. It fills me with fear, when a cool breeze hits my thigh. Where has my skirt gone?

Addictive Personality - a haiku

2007-07-18T15:22:00.000-07:00

Addictive Personality - a haiku. Thinking of haikus, once I start I cannot stop. Added MSG?

Internet Favourites - a haiku

2007-07-17T15:21:00.000-07:00

Internet Favourites - a haiku. Today's horoscopes spoke of wealth, power and love. I'd rather sleep in

Bah Dum Bah Ching! - a haiku

2007-07-16T15:20:00.000-07:00

Bah Dum Bah Ching - a haiku. Retired teacher once told me puns weren't funny. Complete lack of class.

IAWTC - a haiku

2007-07-13T15:19:00.000-07:00

IAWTC - a haiku. Hello internet. Sometimes you make me depressed. 'Moar' is not a word.

Suspicious Puddles - a haiku

2007-07-12T15:19:00.000-07:00

Suspicious Puddles - a haiku. Month old cucumber covered in purple and white threw up on the floor

Blog Post #8

2007-07-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

Dammit, I should have saved my blog entry for the fiftieth haiku.

Or would that have been too much excitement for you to handle in just one day?

Perhaps I did y'all a favour.

Fifty! - a haiku

2007-07-11T15:14:00.000-07:00

Fifty! - a haiku. Everything is fine. No flagrant system errors. Nothing is ruined.

Blog Post #7

2007-07-10T15:59:00.000-07:00

If Britney hired me as her publicist, I would be ready with my five step plan.

The first step would be to get myself some business cards made. I would naturally specify Tahoma font, and I’d put some letters for after my name. NRP sounds like a good qualification, and no one will know it stands for ‘Not Really a Publicist’.

Step two would be to google what a publicist does. As far as I can tell, they just have to be out of the office a lot, so in articles it can say “So and so’s publicist was unavailable for comment”. Maybe I’ll splash out and get an answer phone which says “Kate is unavailable for comment”, which means I won’t have to do anything, ever.

Step three would be to redirect my voice so it would come out through my nose. The reasons are two fold – I could smoke while talking, and I’d get that nasal quality that every young lady desires in her vocal inflections.

Step four would be to start chain smoking.

Finally, step five would involve telling Britney to stop being so stupid and to start showering again.

Done and done.

Intimidation - a haiku

2007-07-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

Intimidation - a haiku. Madonna scares me. If I saw her on the street I would run away.

Frosty Fraud - a haiku

2007-07-09T15:48:00.000-07:00

Frosty Fraud - a haiku. I'm kidding myself. It really isn't summer. I need a jacket

Very Very Tropical - a haiku

2007-07-09T15:47:00.000-07:00

Very Very Tropical - a haiku. That banana song, says 'don't put them in the fridge'. Seems reasonable

Conversationalist Breakfast - a haiku

2007-07-09T15:13:00.000-07:00

Conversationalist Breakfast - a haiku. Hello there rolled oats. I might cook you with some milk. Then you'd be porridge.

Batten Down the Hatches - a haiku

2007-07-06T15:12:00.000-07:00

Batten Down the Hatches - a haiku. It is getting cold. Time to dig out the thick socks and those ugly gloves

Daughter to Father - a haiku

2007-07-05T15:11:00.000-07:00

Daughter to Father - a haiku. 'Hey Dad how are things?' 'I like wearing your old shirts'. You sing it Lindsay!
Context is here

Gender Boundaries - a haiku

2007-07-04T15:10:00.000-07:00

Gender Boundaries - a haiku. In 'Pretty in Pink' James Spader has bouffant hair and a woman's name

If Round is Funny - a haiku

2007-07-03T15:10:00.000-07:00

If Round is Funny - a haiku. I derive pleasure from transforming paperclips into funny shapes

Leaning Flower - a haiku

2007-07-02T15:09:00.000-07:00

Leaning Flower - a haiku. My little pot plant is growing at an angle. It's being obtuse.

Buttered Carbon - a haiku

2007-06-29T15:08:00.000-07:00

Buttered Carbon - a haiku. The kitchen toaster thinks it is above the law. Charcoaled Molenberg

Other People's Children - a haiku

2007-06-28T15:07:00.000-07:00

Other People's Children - a haiku. It should not be real. Kid with a pedo smile. Does it blow your mind?

Tragedies Trilogy - three haikus

2007-06-25T15:00:00.000-07:00

Tragedies Part One - a haiku. Haunted fax machine. Janitor killed in the storm. He sends through strange words

Tragedies Part Two - a haiku. I should explain it, but it is a long story, so I won't bother

Tragedies Part Three - a haiku. Fine, I guess I can. The fax machine is broken. Are you happy now?

Situations Vacant - a haiku

2007-06-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

Situations Vacant - a haiku. Not a team player, nor am I motivated. Experience: none

I Still Refuse to Accept Reality - a haiku

2007-06-21T14:59:00.000-07:00

I Still Refuse to Accept Reality - a haiku. My childhood dream was to become a mermaid with a blue tail

Oral Fixation - a haiku

2007-06-20T14:59:00.000-07:00

Oral Fixation - a haiku. Too much pen chewing. I have rendered them useless. Won't even click on.

Feel Good Fashion - a haiku

2007-06-19T14:58:00.000-07:00

Feel Good Fashion - a haiku. I hate those bracelets. Those rubber ones for causes. Donate and be done

Disease Ridden Pal

2007-06-18T14:57:00.000-07:00

Disease Ridden Pal - a haiku. I want a pigeon. He can be my feathered friend. I will call him Bob

Blah Blah Blah.

2007-06-15T14:57:00.000-07:00

Blah Blah Blah. - a haiku. Can I interrupt? I don't mean to cause a scene, but you are boring

Blog Post #6

2007-06-14T15:58:00.000-07:00

I'm concerned, you guys. What would happen if there was a law for not cutting off your own hair? This law would of course include shaving, waxing, or using creams of any kind. You may wonder what the point would be, of course. So would I, so lets think of one. Perhaps global warming? No, that doesn't make sense. But hang on, what about global COOLING?

We all saw The Day After Tomorrow. By that, I mean, those of us with a desire for Jake Gyllenhaal (not me), or people who like dumb action movies (that's a little bit me) or people without taste or lives (yeah, that one is me). Anyway, when the ozone fell down, or the ice caps melted, or the reactor blew up...or whatever actually happened in that movie...everything got real cold. Old people died in the snow. DIED. Now just imagine what would have happened if all those people were hairy! They would have been warm and snuggly. Problem solved.

Of course, it does seem like a fairly ridiculous law to enforce, just in case the ice caps melt all of a sudden without warning, and just in case a thin layer of hair on our legs would actually stop us all from freezing to death instantly. But we've got to try something, for the love of God!

Of course, there would be problems. Body odour would increase, and spraying ourselves with Rexona would mean the hole in the ozone would get even bigger, getting us all stuck in a vicious cycle. Also, after a few generations of hairy people, wouldn't the hair start to grow thicker and make us look more like apes and chimpanzees? Maybe not. If you haven't worked it out already, I'm not really Joe Science.

So to sum up, it is probably not a very good idea for laws to be introduced about body hair. Don't sign any petitions, you guys, until you have considered the consequences.

Blog out.

Damn You America - a haiku

2007-06-14T14:56:00.000-07:00

Damn You America - a haiku. Sometimes I get sad they never made a sequel to the great 'Showgirls'

Brazil Booty - a haiku

2007-06-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

Brazil Booty - a haiku. K Fed's 'Popozao'. Hot mess or underrated? I know my answer

Performance Art - a haiku

2007-06-12T14:55:00.000-07:00

Performance Art - a haiku. At the bus station a girl wore only a towel with a shower cap

Buyer's Remorse - a haiku

2007-06-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

Buyer's Remorse - a haiku. On the plane to Dad's Emma bought a cold Coke can. Imminent rue-age.

These Men are Cowards - a haiku

2007-06-08T14:52:00.000-07:00

These Men are Cowards - a haiku. They take the money, otherwise they kill the girl. Cut off your johnson

Too Uncool - a haiku

2007-06-07T14:48:00.000-07:00

Too Uncool - a haiku. Hello there hot stuff, can you bring it over here? Get all up in it

Morals, Schmorals - a haiku

2007-06-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

Morals, Schmorals - a haiku. Can't I just sit here? No more working for my pay. Pondering bank raid

Guaranteed! - a haiku

2007-06-05T14:47:00.000-07:00

Guaranteed! - a haiku. High-pitched ringing sound, it's very easy to fix. PC bonfire

Blog Post #5

2007-06-04T15:56:00.000-07:00

WHY THE BLOGOTHON DIDN'T HAPPEN

It was my Mum's birthday, yay for my Mum! Ok, so she lives in Australia and so it wasn't like I spent all weekend making her cups of tea, but still.
Laura had a gaming party. I had some garlic peas and sucked at a game of scrabble.
I developed a cold on Sunday.
Tony Hawk Underground 2 (this is the real excuse, I tried to put some respectable ones first).

Hopefully no one was actually looking forward to it. It will happen, I'm not sure when though. To make it better, here is a picture of Gary Oldman:

Yes, I did crop out his impossibly gorgeous girlfriend, what of it?

Low Price of $349.95 - a haiku

2007-06-04T14:46:00.000-07:00

Low Price of $349.95 - a haiku. Fashionable boots. They're making you walk funny. Chic but bow-legged

Grasshopper My Ass - a haiku

2007-06-01T14:45:00.000-07:00

Grasshopper My Ass - a haiku. I ran out of work, so I made origami of low quality

Wool-dulgence - a haiku

2007-05-31T14:44:00.000-07:00

Wool-dulgence - a haiku. Sixty dollar scarf, a complete waste of money! Do you take Visa?

Lipstick Wearers - a haiku

2007-05-30T14:43:00.000-07:00

Lipstick Wearers - a haiku. Don't walk behind me with those awful cloppy shoes, you sound like a horse

Blog Post #4

2007-05-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

WHAT’S HOT AND WHAT’S NOT
The Kate Edition

HOT

Gary Oldman
Soy Sauce Carnival.com
Lame promotions of websites you’re already on

NOT

When people are all “can you do my work for me?” and then make that face that is 90% “sucks to be you” and 10% “haha”
I guess that's it

From Me to You and You to Me - two haikus

2007-05-28T14:42:00.000-07:00

From Me to You - a haiku. Dearest Thesaurus, you are very beautiful. Will you marry me?

From You to Me - a haiku. Salutations Kate. Though you are amicable, we are ill-suited.

Blog Post #3

2007-05-25T15:52:00.000-07:00

Shall we do a small intro of sorts? Yes, we shall!

My name is Kate, I live in New Zealand, and I am 22. If I could be any animal it would probably be a polar bear, I like the water. Plus I have a fluffy white jacket that I really love; I imagine it’s only a half-step over to actually growing fur.

However, I am well aware of the phrase “be careful what you wish for”, don’t think I didn’t read Goosebumps when I was small. So, as I am putting this out there on the Internet of all places, I should make the following points clear:
1) I do not want to live in a zoo.
2) I do not want to be dead.

I don’t know what else you’d want to know about me, I think we have covered the main points. I’m sure you clever folks who know things about psychology will be able to uncover information from inside my haikus that I didn’t even know I put in.

Feel free to send all analyses of my psyche to my e-mail, which is soysaucecarnival at gmail dot com.

Itching to Listen - a haiku

2007-05-25T14:42:00.000-07:00

Itching to Listen - a haiku. This bonk-bonk-click song is so far under my skin I'm getting a rash
Context is here

Blog Post #2

2007-05-24T15:51:00.000-07:00

I'm writing a proper one of these tomorrow. If this turns out to be an empty promise I might just sneakily come back and delete this entry. Hopefully no one will notice, and as long as I don't tell anyone of my plot we'll be fin-
aww, crap.

Anyway, today's haiku has both rhyme and liberal use of the smudge tool.

This is not a sign of what is to come.

Do not fear, most of my forays into rhyming haiku are embarrassingly awful, I end up spending half an hour with my rhyming dictionary only to discover that the only possible word is "hooter".

Nautical Wishes - a haiku

2007-05-24T14:41:00.000-07:00

Nautical Wishes - a haiku. If I had a boat, I would call in sick to work. On the sea I'd float

In 'Dirrty'... - a haiku

2007-05-23T14:40:00.000-07:00

In 'Dirrty' - a haiku. I just figured out the words are 'ring the alarm' not 'bring the LR'
Context is here

Blog Post #1

2007-05-22T15:49:00.000-07:00

Bloggy bloggy bloggy

Oh Tristan, why did you suggest I have a blog on here?

How Apropreate - a haiku

2007-05-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

How Apropreate - a haiku. She has 'alscimus'. Well, that's what Emma told me. Forgot how to spell?

After Hitting the Hay - a haiku

2007-05-21T14:39:00.000-07:00

After Hitting the Hay - a haiku. My mother was there, she gave me heaps of canned food and a grey kitten

Innocence Lost - a haiku

2007-05-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

Innocence Lost - a haiku. Childlike wonder - when did mine walk out on me? Goatse didn't help

Rumbling and Grumbling - a haiku

2007-05-17T14:37:00.000-07:00

Rumbling and Grumbling - a haiku. Furious black clouds. I love it when the weather aligns with my mood

Hieroglyphic Joy - a haiku

2007-05-16T14:36:00.000-07:00

Hieroglyphic Joy - a haiku. My grocery list is made up of small symbols. The cow means 'buy milk'

Lacklustre - a haiku

2007-05-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

Lacklustre - a haiku. Here first name was 'Bored'. She was thirty five years old. No, I lie, it's me.

Pavlovian Bathroom - a haiku

2007-05-14T14:12:00.000-07:00

Pavlovian Bathroom - a haiku. I always get zapped when I touch the toilet door. Now I'm scared to pee

Looking Busy at Work - a haiku

2007-05-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

Looking Busy at Work - a haiku. Open a spread-sheet, chew on the end of a pen, frown as if thinking

Sam's Fort - a haiku

2007-05-10T14:11:00.000-07:00

Sam's Fort - a haiku. What a waste of time. A fort is not just a sheet. Needs some structure

To the Man on the Street - a haiku

2007-05-09T14:10:00.000-07:00

To the Man on the Street - a haiku. Too much CK One. You smell like chemical waste. Go take a shower

Heating at Work - a haiku

2007-05-08T14:10:00.000-07:00

Heating at Work - a haiku. The man over there keeps changing the thermostat. Goose-pimpled office